Faith in Myself

Usually I have a pleasantly upbeat attitude. Lately, though, I find myself rocking wildly between upbeat and beaten up. This emotional roller coaster takes its toll on me when this happens.

Sometimes, maintaining equilibrium in the midst of everything life tosses my way is not as simple as at other times. This happens to be one of those more challenging times.

I have several decisions to make ~ important decisions, life-changing decisions, radical truth decisions. Every hillock and valley the roller coaster careens over and through leaves its tracks. If these decisions, or any one of these decisions, was not present in my life, maybe the sense of vertigo would abate. Not gonna happen. Because every one of these decisions is here, demanding attention now.

This morning, when making my cuppa, I was struck with joy at seeing this Teabag Tarot attached to my teabag. The first part of the koan, wisdom in your actions, felt a bit flimsy. I am not secure in the wisdom of my actions. I move forward, as openly and honestly as I can without leaving myself vulnerable to attack as I maneuver through the daily minefields. Am I wise? Well, as wise as I can be under the circumstances.

It was the second phrasing that twanged the chord in my heart: faith in your merits. I have been feeling wobbly and anxious, challenged and singled out, with a notable lack of faith in myself. This little piece of paper gave me pause to re-evaluate my personal truth: I am lovable, capable and worthy. What I think, feel, do and say matters. I am a positive influence on others. Funny how reading those four simple words on a tag attached to a teabag can boost my spirit and carry me through my day.

Do you believe in your merits? What are they? Can you list at least three? How do you feel when you do list them? Say them out loud. Do you feel different? List them somewhere where you can see them throughout the day. Look at them when anyone, including yourself, attempts to belittle or diminish you.

Struggle

Who wants to find Struggle as a central card in a Tarot reading? I certainly prefer not. When I researched possible meanings, this is what I found:

You may be working through personal issues .... At the same time, you have others around you who have strong views about what you should do .... Just when you think you have a clear point of view, you are challenged on that view or you discover new information, and you change your standpoint again. This process is actually highly beneficial and will help you to come to a well-researched and well-thought out perspective. Know, too, that there is no ‘right’ answer, and whichever path you do choose, someone is not going to agree with it. So, you have to find the most comfortable option possible that sits best with you. It may not be 100% right for you but you need to choose whatever is closest.

I am finding this to be so very, very true. I waffle and waver back and forth, attempting to determine what is the best path, how do I best accomplish it, when do I move forward and in what manner. Each of these could take months to determine. Together, it could be years. Yet a decision needs to be made soon.

Even though I am the final decision-maker, I find myself asking others for advice, direction, resources and help. I want all the necessary data to make a fully informed decision. Sometimes that means I am overflowing with knowledge, yet slow with choice.

Reluctantly, I must admit, this is precisely where I stand. I have some major deciding to accomplish and often feel frozen in indecision. I am hopeful with the ending of the explanation of the card: "It may not be 100% right for you but you need to choose whatever is closest." The time is coming.

How do you handle struggle? What would you want to say to Struggle in your life? How would make your choice?

First Friday in Lent

from Wisdom of the Hidden Realms, by Colette Baron-Reid:

The Dragon's Duel takes place at the proverbial fork in the road. It's both Ally and Challenger at once, as it represents the tension of opposites. Even though the truth is that we love in unity, we experience the duality of faith and doubt, love and fear, right and wrong, black and white. This aspect of your current experience asks you to accept that although you may be going one way, another may call to you to change direction.
Now it's the time to inquire whether it's your ego or your soul leading you. There are always choices in life. Decision making also solves inner conflict. If you're torn between two dragons, the one that you choose to feed will be the one that wins. Which is it? If it's not the one that serves the highest of your intentions, deliberately feed the other and the duel will be won in your favor.

First Friday in Lent. This is the card I draw. Have I mentioned how connected to Lent I was growing up? and even as an adult? So, yes, totally appropriate that I would draw a card that is "both Ally and Challenger at once." Isn't that what Lent itself is? An Ally in providing focus, time and space to look deeply into our being, to find the thorns that have grown there, to pull them out, and to heal. Quite the Ally that.

It is also the Challenger. In providing that focus, time and space, we have no excuse to let the thorns continue to grow. We have to face our own part in planting, watering and nuturing them. We have to carefully extricate them from their intertwined place in our hearts, our minds, our souls.

How is Lent your Ally? How is Lent your Challenger? What image, creature or being would you be facing in place of the Dragon?