Loneliness vs Solitude

FOMO is an expression meaning fear of missing out. Before recognizing repeated occurrences of FOMO in social media posts, I didn't consider that particular fear a phenomenon in and of itself. I thought of it more in the realm of an anxiety. That doesn't mean I didn't experience it, only that I didn't know others did as well.

In Paul Tillich's quote, FOMO would fall into the category of the pain of being alone, of a sort of loneliness. We humans are social beings. When we feel left out of something ~ whether by the choice or action of others or those of ourselves ~ we feel uncomfortable, edgy.

These moments can be anything: the need to study instead of going to a movie; not being invited to a TGIF; being a vegetarian/vegan at a company BBQ; discovering friends didn't tell you before eloped; listening to travel stories of family members. The list could go on for pages. All of us feel these moments. The weight of this kind of loneliness can be as light as dust or as heavy as an anvil or anywhere in between. The hope is that as we grow (not necessarily age-related), we learn ways to pass through these moments more easily. Though, in truth, passing through them is never really easy.

Solitude, on the other hand, is often chosen. A solo trip to a new location, from a friend's new home to Machu Picchu, Zion National Park or Paris. Going to a movie because it's one we want to see or we have the time to see. Taking a walk through a local park. Eating lunch away from the office. Solitude doesn't always mean we are off in the woods totally by ourselves. It does mean we are set apart from those who are generally around us.

For about a year, I wavered between these two emotional reactions to being alone. I was going through a health adventure, as I called it. Friends and family members helped me through it, cared for me, and listened to my stories along the way. Even so there were moments when I wanted to do something only to find that it was beyond me. I couldn't go to a concert for which I had purchased the tickets, so others got to go instead. I subscribed to an online course that I couldn't finish, so I was left out of the camaraderie. I felt the pangs of loneliness. On the other hand, many days spent alone with my cat, my thoughts and books on CD, taught me to cherish the solitude of that healing time.

What experiences of being alone have you had recently? How did you feel about that time? What experience of yours can you relate to FOMO? What helps you get through loneliness or FOMO? How is your experience of solitude different from your experience of loneliness?

Loneliness

Today I found myself having stretches of time where I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I'm not sure where the feelings came from ~~ suddenly, they were there. All I did was notice and acknowledge them.

The strangest aspect of them was that they surfaced even at times when I was with other people. I had an appointment to get my teeth cleaned, then I dropped off some paperwork at another office, then I went for a massage. None of these activities left me without the company of other people. I drove to the different places on busy streets and highways. There were three very clear, precise moments when I felt this sweep of loneliness: one was walking to the parking garage on a busy downtown street after getting my teeth cleaned, the next was when I got into my car in the garage, the third was when I arrived home and was standing in the bathroom. Each time was like a wave rising up and crashing over me. The strength of them left me at the mercy of the emotion, and wondering why.

I never did figure out why I felt those strong movements of emotion. I learned that feelings can take charge of our lives even when we think all is under control or 'normal.' Loneliness isn't an easy emotion. It's one that I've felt a few times in my life ~ never quite like today. I wonder where the feeling began and why. So like a wave, I wonder where it will even out its ripples and when it might rise up again.

When have you felt loneliness? What have you done? How have you responded? How did it arrive? What do your feel about the sense of loneliness? Do you embrace it? or run from it?

Let Loneliness Season You

Don't surrender your loneliness so quickly.
Let it cut more deep.
Let it ferment and season you as few human
Or even divine ingredients can.
Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft,
My voice so tender,
My need of God
Absolutely clear.

~  Hafiz

More on the theme of loneliness. A different perspective. Embrace loneliness to let it season you.... to soften and change your nature ever so slightly. 

When cooking, the seasoning is the ingredient that changes and enhances the flavor of the meal. If something ferments, that too will change the taste. These processes take time. The change is gradual, not immediate. The longer the wait time, the richer and fuller the flavor.

That's true with loneliness as well. Don't surrender your loneliness so quickly... Most of the time, I'm anxious to get past the feeling of loneliness ~ that hollow place within me that echoes each breath I breathe. I want to fill that void with light and sound and say that I don't feel lonely. But the truth is that I can fill the space with noise and light all I want, the loneliness still exists, still rests like a well of unfilled promise in the pit of my stomach.

If I embrace it, I allow that divine ingredient entry into my soul. Although I can't say for certain what will come of that, I know I will be richer for having opened the door to let it in. Its entry reminds me of my need of the Divine ~ of the Ineffable One ~ in my life. One on whom I can depend ~ and from whom I can draw strength. One of the most important reminders in my life.

How do you feel about loneliness? Do you admit feeling it? Are you afraid of it? How can you embrace it ~ even for a moment ~ in your life?

Outracing Loneliness

I love poetry. Some poets touch my heart more deeply than others.... or maybe it's just the timing of reading the poem. I've been focused lately on the concepts of aloneness and loneliness and solitude. Naomi Shihab Nye magnificently captures that sense of loneliness stalking you or surrounding you as you travel through the day. With a passing comment from an unnamed, unknown roller-skater, a new thought emerges: What if you could outrace loneliness? What if there was a way to skate or pedal or ski or run fast enough to leave it in the dust? Then what? Your own personal loneliness gets left in the dust ~ "panting behind you on some street corner" ~ while you have the incredible opportunity to "float free" of it.

When loneliness hits me most closely, I want to remember this poem ~ to feel/sense/taste/see loneliness falling behind ~ as I move as quickly as I can, in whatever way I can, in the direction of freedom. I can outrace that sense of loss that permeates the word loneliness. It has no real power over me unless I choose to hand it over.

Do you feel lonely? How does it affect you? Can you imagine a way to outrace it? Practice that the next time it tries to disturb your peace!