Passing through Judgment

When I was little, I used to gather flowers from the field across the street and give them to my mother. She would always find a vase or a jar, fill it with water, place the flowers in it and put the arrangement on the counter or table. I probably did that once or twice a week for several summers. Most of the flowers would be called 'weeds' by many people, but my mother accepted them as graciously and lovingly as though I had brought her a bouquet of roses.

As I got older, though I can't remember precisely when, I learned that the dandelions I included in the mix were weeds. I learned that weeds were undesirable plants. So I stopped picking the dandelions. Then I overheard someone calling the purple and pink clover weeds, so I stopped picking them too. Eventually, I stopped gathering flowers altogether. The judgment of others had presented a different image of the plants and I learned to accept that opinion.

At one point in my life, I taught students who had social and emotional issues. Many of those students came from group homes. Many were also involved in the court system as delinquents. In much of our society, these young people would be considered weeds ~ problems to be plucked out of the general garden of our school environs and our neighborhoods. I found that these were the students I loved most of all. They were rough around the edges. They had unusual ways of viewing the world. For the most part, they were also beautiful and spirited and enthusiastic. It was someone else's judgment that labeled them weeds or problems.

As I got older, I learned that there were many different uses for the dandelion. I ate dandelion greens in my salad. I drank dandelion tea for digestion. At a friend's harvest festival, I even sampled dandelion wine. The beauty of the dandelion is not altered by anyone naming it a weed.

Like those dandelions, I watched my students' gifts come through. One could draw landscapes beautifully. One could spell any word after seeing it one time. Another was protective of our group. Another shone as a mother to her toddling daughter. I cultivated their skills and beauty with every attempt to counter the label they received.

I also found that I am not unlike those weeds ~ either the plant or people kind. Sometimes I am so common that I am overlooked. Or I am seen as invasive or somehow out of place. I have had to contend with my own internalization of those reactions from others. I often seek to hide, to not be noticed, to find a way to be considered the beautiful flower. When I do that, I also hide my own gifts from the world and that is not what I am here to do.

What part of you gets judged a weed? Do you accept that judgment? What gift does that judgment hide? Who have you judged to be a weed? Why? Do you see any gift in them? What do you think you miss when you judge yourself or another? What do you lose?

Changing Oneself

One of the most quoted sayings in the world of activists is, Be the change you wish to see in the world. It's a great quote by Mahatma Gandhi. How many of us come to full comprehension of his meaning? He's not saying to go out and change the world. He's saying to be a living, breathing example of the change you wish to see. In the world of activists, that often is interpreted as making a way to change the world around us.

Tolstoy gets even more basic than that. Perhaps the world itself does need changing. Generally speaking, that's an understatement and certainly a given. Many situations in the world around us could use an uplift. Many people could use some assistance. Mother Earth herself requires care. What Tolstoy says is that even though changing the world around us may be important, changing ourselves is even more vital.

I find myself looking at people and situations with a critical eye. My mind flies to comparisons, many of which are often not positive. Next, I step into judgment. I look at the person and find strengths and traits lacking. I ponder the situation and note the down sides of them. This is not intentional. I truly want to support the betterment of the person or situation. My mistake lies in not consulting the person about their opinion or desire. Or in not requesting all the details of a situation. Tolstoy's statement challenges me, confronts us. He seems to suggest that we look at how we are and what effect we have on a situation in order to change ourselves before we seek to change the other. It's a concept I face and work with on a daily basis. Hopefully, I will focus more on the changes I need to make in myself and less on judging the changes need by the other.

How do you feel when you hear someone say, Be the change you want to see in the world? What change would you like to see happen? Is there a way you can be that change? or a reflection of it? How often do you find yourself either giving advice to others or biting your tongue so you don't? What topics show up most often when that happens? With whom does that most often happen? What small change could you make in yourself to ease the stress?

You Must Not Fear

 Mary-Lynne Monroe ©2015

"You must not fear, hold back, count or be a miser with your thoughts and feelings. It is also true that creation comes from an overflow, so you have to learn to intake, to imbibe, to nourish yourself and not be afraid of fullness. The fullness is like a tidal wave which then carries you, sweeps you into experience and into writing. Permit yourself to flow and overflow, allow for the rise in temperature, all the expansions and intensifications. something is always born of excess: great art was born of great terrors, great loneliness, great inhibitions, instabilities, and it always balances them. If it seems to you that I move in a world of certitudes, ... you move in a world of mysteries. But both must be ruled by faith."

~ Anais Nin, The Diary of Anais Nin, Vol. 4: 1944-47

In 1944, Anais Nin was 41 years old. She was famous for her diaries, her openness about the fullness of life and her expression of that fullness with passion and gusto. Earlier in this passage, she also writes:
What is it that attracts me to the young? When I am with mature people I feel their rigidities, their tight crystallizations. They have become, at least in my eyes, like the statues of the famous. Achieved. Final.

We live in a world both blessed and cursed by rigidity and crystallization. The rigidity creates the rules that keep order and flow in a reasonable fashion. It also creates the rifts as people grab for the tight space that they can call their own ~ forgetting that we get farther together. The crystallization polarizes us, freezes us into one form. We act as though we can't be flexible, can't change, can't learn new views on things.

I've found myself in that rigid, crystallized position a few times in my life. As though I had all the answers and no one could tell me anything. As though there was nothing new to learn. Most of the time, I'm there out of fear. Is it possible there is something I don't know or am not an expert in? For a knowledge-junkie, that is a frightening position to be in. Hence, my rigidity born of fear. Then there's the crystallization born from judgment and/or privilege. I've been guilty of thinking because someone holds a certain position or status (youth, inexperience, handicapping condition, socio-economic status), they don't have the capacity to know something I don't.

Fortunately, those times have been few and far between, but even being there once is something for which I am not proud. I'm humbled by the sharing, acceptance and knowledge of  others. Most of the time, I am no longer fearful to say there's something I don't know. I've learned to share the emotions as well, to open to the mystery ~ and the greater Mystery, and allow my intuition to lead. Then my "great art" ~ my writing ~ flows from the depths of me. Then I am willing to be with and among everyone, learning and sharing. All without certitude.

Where do you find yourself to be rigid? What crystallizes your attitude? your interactions with others? What is your "great art"? How do you practice it? What creates flow for you?