Conscious Forgiveness

Today's Teabag Tarot shows up as Uranus the Change-Maker begins its transit in Taurus. Change ~ whether desired, expected or sudden ~ produces its own level of stress and anxiety. As we experience our own variety of change, interacting with others in the midst of theirs can be complex. Feelings are often on edge during these passages and are more easily hurt.

As we progress into the various stages of shift and change, we also have the opportunity to remember that we have choice. And control. Maybe not over what happens, but certainly over how quickly, radically or rationally we react. Even if we react with undue haste or rudeness, we can choose to express our regrets afterward.

If we are the ones hit by another's hasty retort or action, we have another type of choice: whether or not to forgive. As today's Teabag Tarot so clearly points out, forgiveness is up to us. It is an individual act of conscious choosing. Forgiveness softens us. It reveals our best nature, our recognition of the other's humanity.

As we learn and lean into forgiveness, it also helps us. Think about the last time someone hurt or offended you ~ called you a name, spoke poorly of your work or appearance, stole from you, any situation that caused you pain. Our first reaction is generally hurt. Then we slip into anxiety and blame. It's part of our human nature. Think about how your body feels at these moments ~ muscles tense, heart rate increases, breathing speeds up or gets held, all signs of adrenaline and norepinephrine kicking in. There's a desire to run, hide or fight.

For several years, I worked with someone who was a bully ~ and I was one of the targets. They were good at their job and bosses ignored their bullying actions. My personal way of reacting was to hide or freeze. This person chewed me out in front of other co-workers, providers and clients. Over time, I learned to actively step into curiosity, internal questions: What made this person so angry? Who had hurt them so badly that they felt the need to hurt others? What did they gain from their bullying? I noted other stressors in their work environment at the time of each outburst: encounters not going the way they wanted them to; a meeting going sideways; support personnel being absent. All changes they couldn't control. Their bullying behaviors didn't change, but my responses did. I was less cowed, more assertive or simply quiet. My capacity to forgive, though not changing the actions of the other, changed me. Each time adrenaline and norepinephrine kicked in, I still froze, but I recovered from the effects more quickly.

As we consciously move into forgiveness, we counter these physical effects. We can breathe through what feels like an attack. This is not as easy to do as it is to say. It's a practice ~ which is why it has to be conscious. But actively practicing it helps our overall health.

How do you react to change? Do you want to fight? flee? freeze? Do you carry grudges against others who have wronged you? How do you feel each time you think of or encounter that person? What are your physical reactions to these thoughts? What are your physical reactions if/when you ask for forgiveness? How about after that?

Bumps in the Night

Saskia in Bed by Rembrandt

Although most of us don't look quite like a Rembrandt sketch, we can still relate to that look of discomfiture at being awake in the middle of the night. Insomnia occurs for various reasons. Some reasons are deep and broad, requiring medical help. Seek that help.

Sometimes we are still occupied with thoughts of our day: What did he mean when he said....? How can I pay for....? What should I wear for 'casual Friday'?

Sometimes we worry about our plans for the future: Will it be sunny for the yard sale this weekend? Who should be invited to next month's review meeting? Summer vacation can't come too soon!

Sometimes our mind floats to the realm of fear: 'What's going on with my stomach? Is it cancer?' 'How long will grandpa be around? He seemed so frail today.' 'She hasn't contacted me for a follow-up interview. What if I don't get this job?'

In all these cases, our mind keeps us awake. That often overactive, planning, questioning, determining organ that is our boon and bane in turn. That's generally the case. Look at Saskia's expression in Rembrandt's sketch. You can almost hear her thinking, When is this going to be done? I have work to do.

There are those times when outside energies also play a part in the insomnia. The days when we drank that extra cup of caffeinated whatever. Or we ate too much too late at night. Or took a three-hour nap before dinner. Or we watched an exciting late-night show or movie that got our adrenaline pumping.

I recently had one of those nights. My mind was skittering and skimming over the day. A few hours before bedtime, I felt queasy and let my system clear itself out in the bathroom. My partner and several friends were getting over the recent round of flu. Monkey Mind started chattering, Bet this is the start of the flu. Maybe something worse is happening. Why do you think you'll get by without getting it? I did some deep breathing and felt a heaviness lift from my chest. I challenged those other thoughts by consciously changing them, I'm thankful for my health....grateful for my partner. Amazing how my friends are sick yet functioning. What courage! Thank you, Divine, for the roof over my head and the food in the kitchen....  I began to relax. With that relaxation, I recalled that in a generous act of thanks for my help with a minor problem, a friend bought me a refill on my Starbucks' drink. I started chuckling. Waaaay too much caffeine today! Then I returned to the gratitude list and fell asleep.

It's easy for us to find dark thoughts to bump into during the night. The Darkness itself coerces our Monkey Mind. We have to remain conscious, reach for the Light, change our thinking, take on those Bumps. Our recognition that we have the capacity to change how we view things helps us to step into that change.

When was your last bout of insomnia? What caused it? Were there outside forces, e.g. caffeine, aiding and abetting it? Did you intervene with the Dark thoughts? How? Did you find your way to Light thoughts and ease?