Conscious Forgiveness

Today's Teabag Tarot shows up as Uranus the Change-Maker begins its transit in Taurus. Change ~ whether desired, expected or sudden ~ produces its own level of stress and anxiety. As we experience our own variety of change, interacting with others in the midst of theirs can be complex. Feelings are often on edge during these passages and are more easily hurt.

As we progress into the various stages of shift and change, we also have the opportunity to remember that we have choice. And control. Maybe not over what happens, but certainly over how quickly, radically or rationally we react. Even if we react with undue haste or rudeness, we can choose to express our regrets afterward.

If we are the ones hit by another's hasty retort or action, we have another type of choice: whether or not to forgive. As today's Teabag Tarot so clearly points out, forgiveness is up to us. It is an individual act of conscious choosing. Forgiveness softens us. It reveals our best nature, our recognition of the other's humanity.

As we learn and lean into forgiveness, it also helps us. Think about the last time someone hurt or offended you ~ called you a name, spoke poorly of your work or appearance, stole from you, any situation that caused you pain. Our first reaction is generally hurt. Then we slip into anxiety and blame. It's part of our human nature. Think about how your body feels at these moments ~ muscles tense, heart rate increases, breathing speeds up or gets held, all signs of adrenaline and norepinephrine kicking in. There's a desire to run, hide or fight.

For several years, I worked with someone who was a bully ~ and I was one of the targets. They were good at their job and bosses ignored their bullying actions. My personal way of reacting was to hide or freeze. This person chewed me out in front of other co-workers, providers and clients. Over time, I learned to actively step into curiosity, internal questions: What made this person so angry? Who had hurt them so badly that they felt the need to hurt others? What did they gain from their bullying? I noted other stressors in their work environment at the time of each outburst: encounters not going the way they wanted them to; a meeting going sideways; support personnel being absent. All changes they couldn't control. Their bullying behaviors didn't change, but my responses did. I was less cowed, more assertive or simply quiet. My capacity to forgive, though not changing the actions of the other, changed me. Each time adrenaline and norepinephrine kicked in, I still froze, but I recovered from the effects more quickly.

As we consciously move into forgiveness, we counter these physical effects. We can breathe through what feels like an attack. This is not as easy to do as it is to say. It's a practice ~ which is why it has to be conscious. But actively practicing it helps our overall health.

How do you react to change? Do you want to fight? flee? freeze? Do you carry grudges against others who have wronged you? How do you feel each time you think of or encounter that person? What are your physical reactions to these thoughts? What are your physical reactions if/when you ask for forgiveness? How about after that?

Changing Your Story

Colette Baron-Reid, Wisdom of the Oracle

Self-criticism; the wounded ego; unnecessary dramas

Guidance

The Oracle's message: There is a story woven through the imperfect fabric of life that tells of hurt and loss, rejection and humiliation, self-loathing and arrogance, and all manner of suffering born of unnecessary dramas. It is the old story whose refrain is that you cannot do this, must not go there, should not say that - lest your world come crumbling down. .... Distorted guidance is preventing you from being true to yourself. You are not your story, and the narrator is simply the voice of your fearful part, small and vulnerable and easily soothed.
Relationship message: ...Right now you have an opportunity for important healing, but you must reflect on the stories you weave.... Not only do you need to begin a new story; you need to forgive yourself for telling yourself the old ones.


What are the stories we tell ourselves? How long do we choose to hold on to them? What good do they do?

Anyone over the age of two tells stories. Once language begins forming in us, so does storytelling. It's part of our nature, part of our connection to others. We determine how we fit into our communities through our place in the stories.

So when we begin to tell our personal stories, we place ourselves in relationship to the rest of our world. Stories are words, and words carry power. The old playground adage of sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me is a falsehood. Words hurt us far more than any physical wound. This is true for the stories we tell ourselves as well.

I'm in the process of rewriting one of my personal stories. The details aren't important, but the feeling they created is. It was one of those "poor me" stories. You know the ones: I'm so left out or I've been hurt so much or I'm so misunderstood. The themes are constant and recurring even as the characters change. Even though I cannot change the past, again with the details, I can change how much energy I put into it. That energy drains me ~ and I wind up having less of it for the more positive stories in my life.

The difference for me at the moment, as I work on making the changes, is that I am in relationship with some of the characters in one of the tales. Currently, we are in dialogue about those past moments ~ and working cooperatively to face and make the changes, to own what was our personal reactions as opposed to what was true (not a good word choice in stories) or perhaps what was happening inside the mind and heart of the other. It's a blessing to have this opportunity.

That said, even without those moments of connection with the other, it's about learning how to forgive. Forgive the other. Forgive the gods. Forgive myself. Because holding onto the negative energy of those stories can be a killer in the end.

What stories have you told yourself? Have you changed any of them? How have you done that? How does the energy of those stories effect you? What can you do to begin the process of change? How can you learn forgiveness?

The Storm, Part 1

I thought I'd left it behind, that desire to remember everything, every ache, every pain, every wrong anyone had ever done to me. Walked away from the desire to carry it all to my grave. I'd certainly done my work on it ~ as it had done its work on me.

Then I encountered The Storm ~ an event both external and internal ~ that unsettled me, that openly illustrated that I hadn't experienced all the elements to this depth previously. I began to realize how much I hadn't truly let go.....

In this moment, letting go has become a continuing drift from memory to ache to forgiveness and back again. It's not entirely over yet. I've scarcely stepped through the Heart Gate ~ this place where I deeply feel all things bubbling and roiling in intense, wild and wondrous ways. My Shield is down ~ lying in the darkness beside the Path ~ and I'm still upright, still moving forward. Feeling every movement, every shift, both inside and out.

Through my own encounters, I have learned that each person experiences a different version of The Storm, one that is tailored to the individual. The experience is defined as much by how one holds on to personal 'stuff' as what one chooses to hold on to.

No matter, The Storm has its effect. As Murakami's final two lines say:

"When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what the storm's all about."

Have you encountered The Storm in your life? Or perhaps more than one? What changed for you? What changed within you? How are you different?

Forgivenesses #2

I began the year considering the role of forgiveness in my life.  That consideration continues.

As I move forward through this year, I am entering a phase of significant change in my life. I will leave behind a legacy of some sort. My fear is that it will be one of failure or one attached to negative feelings. One of those left behind has been a challenge to my sense of cooperation and camaraderie, as I apparently have been to them. Where does that leave me in the journey of forgiveness?

Unlike the author of the quote, I believe forgiveness is a significant piece of our journey and not necessarily its core. When we can forgive others and ourselves, when we can ask forgiveness and be content if it comes or does not, the rest of our experiences are simpler, more focused. It is difficult, if not impossible, to love when we harbor ill will against others or against ourselves. We often gnaw on that ill will, attempting to justify it or reconcile it to the rightness of our actions. For me, the central point is forgiving ~ reaching that point when I can open my hand and no longer cling to my desire to wound. Yet, I acknowledge that there are times when being forgiven by others is impossible. We have no power to force it.

In answer to my own question in the previous paragraph: where does that leave me? It leaves me with the struggle and desire to open my hand, to let loose the reins of discontent with another, to wish them well on their journey and mean it. That will lead to my own healing in the end.

Where are you in your journey of forgiveness? Is there someone against whom you harbor ill will? Why? Where in your body does that feeling live? Can you begin to open your hand? or your heart? or wherever you feel the tightness? If you can, and do, how does that feel?

Forgivenesses #1

Since I am one of those strange folk who has no appreciation for the taste of coffee, I begin nearly every morning with tea. I have been using brands that have the teabag version of fortunes attached to them. I refer to these as Teabag Tarot. Today I got these two which echoed each other's message. The cornerstone: forgiveness.

Pausing as I sip the near-boiling brew, my mind trips from one scene to another. It begins with moments where I felt left out: laughter gathering between my parents and brother; friends choosing sides for baseball and I'm the odd number out; schoolmates chatting about the upcoming prom and I have no date; walking into a room and feeling a hush begin. Knowing everyone feels this way, I can often settle my personal anxiety and move on.

Who do I need to forgive in each of these scenes? Who has added to the anxiety? I find that what helps me heal and move on is to forgive ~ forgive my family who simply found the same things funny; forgive the friends who didn't want a non-athletic person on their baseball team; forgive the schoolmates who didn't know I wasn't going to prom. Most of all, forgive myself. Forgive myself for letting these things matter, for letting them define me, for letting them create the pattern of sadness in my life. When I have forgiven, I feel lighter, more buoyant, happier.

When have you felt left out? How has that happened? What have you done about it? Have you forgiven those who left you out, on your own? Have you forgiven yourself? How did that work out for you?

Starting Over

Every now and again, I get the feeling that it's time to start over. Time to renew my commitment to myself so that I can be better and stronger and braver as I step forward into the world. Today is one of those days.

Recently, I've felt a bit lost, a bit confused, and more than a bit scared. Those feelings were caused by patterns of thoughts about my shortcomings and lacks. Those were the emotions of negativity. When I feel that way or think that way, I have difficulty connecting positively with the world. I'm a bit more paranoid about those around me ~~ "They must see how ____ (fill in with nasty, self-derogatory word/s) I am."

I don't feel that way about myself now. I've been working on those thought patterns and recognize that stress and loss can color how I see myself. And with those new patterns of thought come a renewed sense of purpose and belief in myself, in my capacity to be strong, to learn, to love and to keep moving forward. I don't know that I expect it to be easy and have no pitfalls or slips into the negativity. What I do expect is that I will become more quickly aware of the moments when I dip into that kind of thinking and feeling and make the choice to change to the 'higher vibration' of thought.

What do you do when you begin to feel bad about something you've said or done? How do you treat yourself at those times? How quickly or slowly do you forgive yourself and move on? Does it make a difference in your life?