Becoming? or Unbecoming?

There are times and days when the place where I want to be in my journey seems a long ways off.... at the very least, in a neighboring solar system if not even in another universe. It feels out of reach ~ unattainable.

When this quote popped up, I realized the disconnected, dissonant feeling surrounding disparate pieces of who and what I already am. Those segments of me seem almost stuck in a position ~ like a standard transmission without a clutch ~ grinding and hiccuping as I attempt a shift.

How do I determine what is truly ME? Some pieces are tied to words and definitions that keep me stuck: friend, sister, mother, teacher, writer, celebrant..... the definitions in particular alter uneasily and slowly.

Even the term stuck doesn't quite fit ~~~ like being stranded midstream with words whose definitions feel tight or sloppy or cumbersome. Like chili made with a smidge too much or too little spice: tasty yet slightly off.

What I love is the thought of being in the process of unbecoming..... shifting how I think about myself and my world.... allowing the flow of creativity to carry me onward. My only cringe is when I consider that who I've been is not who I was meant to be. I don't believe that. I've been what I was meant to be all along.... it's currently time for a change.

Are you still becoming? or perhaps even unbecoming? unwinding the threads of you that have come loose? How do you see yourself? What words describe you? Which words are you redefining? Which are you discovering anew? Which are you stepping into?

Gaining Perspective in High Spaces

Not long ago, I hiked Lower Table Rock in southern Oregon. To my mind, the path was steep. Walking up was less difficult because the ground rose in front of me, making it easier to see. At the top, we walked the path to the edge of the mesa. I snapped this picture standing near the edge and looking over the valley as well as Upper Table Rock in the distance. I watched eagles gliding over the field below and laughed at the thought that we were standing above the soaring eagles.

Hiking back down was more difficult for me. I kept my head down and focused on the bright turquoise shoes of my daughter hiking down before me (purposefully close to me). I was grateful for the assistance. It calmed me so much that I hiked down the steeper part of the path beside her with my head up. A very different view!

The following week, I found myself ascending Mt. Evans, one of Colorado's Fourteens ~ over 14,000 feet ~ on the world's highest paved road. At one point, this was our view: no horizon to speak of, nothing ahead but fluffy white clouds on which to focus. From what we'd already driven, I knew we were coming to another hairpin turn. My heart was racing and I pulled my right side closer to the center of the vehicle ~ as if that would help!

At the top, we met a fellow traveler on a bicycle and a couple riding a motorcycle. Mountain goats with their lost, bleating kids wandered and nibbled at the sparse grass or relaxed at the side of the road. Yellow-bellied marmots dotted the landscape and chirruped as they chased across the rocks. Our view was vast, rocky and distant. We could truly see for miles and miles. Pike's Peak appeared through the clouds as well as the other Fourteens. The view was breath-taking ~ as was being over 14.000 feet in the air! Hence the sign:

As I reflected on these trips, I realized how much perspective I gained on each of them. Although Lower Table Rock seemed an easy jaunt for most of the hikers, it was my perspective making it more difficult. Hiking next to my confident daughter afforded me the opportunity to notice that I felt safer when I limited my view. However, I did not feel better. Once I recognized that I was limiting the view, forcing a narrower perspective, I could lift my head and see the fullness of the wooded landscape I was traversing.

Mt. Evans, on the other hand, was a different sort of trek. We were in a car, driving up and up and up. The same what-if fear gripped me at times. I recognized more quickly that I could breathe deeply and enjoy the beauty of the heights or I could focus on the narrow space where the fear resided. Again, it was a matter of perspective. When I let it flow out in a wider circle, my fear dissipated. I felt the incredible awe of the adventure. I wondered about the First Peoples who traversed this mountain on foot and marveled at the people who created the paved road.

As Kurt Vonnegut wrote in If This Isn't Nice, What Is?: "We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down." Being close to those cliffs physically, recognizing the ones I carry within, I have a new perspective on how and why I develop those wings. I am grateful for the journeys in such quick succession ~ as well as for those who accompanied me up those heights, and those who accompany me on the internal cliff jumping.

At what cliffs have you stood? How do you face them? How do you feel when you stand there? Has the fear ever overwhelmed you? What do you know of your perspective at those moments? How has your perspective changed over time?

Abracadabra Creativity

As I was growing up, 'abracadabra' was an often used word whenever a change was being called forth. It was a magical phrase. We used it to help find lost toys, to reveal favorite treats, to make the TV station work.

When I was a young teen, it was uttered when an emotional response needed shifting. It was easier, more palpable, to hear abracadabra when I was on the verge of exploding or bursting into tears or laughing hysterically than it was to hear any other redirection or correction. It became our catch-word for change.

Coming from that background, it was startling to discover that it truly is a word of creation. We used it to create a new direction, a shift in the journey we were on, in the direction in which we were headed. It was great to be able to make those minimal shifts ~ which eventually led to more significant change because each incremental alteration of emotional response kept the family dynamics running smoothly.

Now that much more time has passed, I understand more and more about the power of words. I've learned that I can create my present and my future with the words I speak. I can change my mood by singing my favorite songs at the top of my lungs in my empty house or my moving car. Abracadabra shows up in my dreams to point out new directions for me to take or people for me to contact. My family no longer uses the magical word even though its power remains written on my heart.

How have you heard abracadabra used? How have you or people you know used it? Is there a word that shows up in your mind when you are ready for a change? Would you want one? What words have a special or magical power for you? How do you create your own journey?

Journey Time

Having a drink with a recently retired friend, we were discussing the possibility of travel. She and her partner were invited by Uncle Joe (An alias to protect the innocent and guilty!) on a trip to Greece. Uncle Joe planned to rent a house on one of the islands and wanted his favorite niece to come along. Housing would be his treat.

As I listened to the story unfold, I thought, "Wow! What an incredible opportunity! If I were retired, I'd go in a heartbeat!" I said something like that as well.

My friend, on the other hand, was appalled at Uncle Joe's offer. Not because she didn't want to go to Greece, but because she was unclear about her personal money situation. I thought, but did not say, that this was an incredible opportunity and what the hell was she waiting for?          
 
MY reactions vs. HER reactions. At the core sat the opportunity to accept a gift or to reject it with full understanding. She wanted to travel. Her partner wanted to travel. They liked Uncle Joe and the cousins who were also going. The newness of a freed up schedule, the timing of the offer, and the fear of the expenses all play a part in the decision-making.

When we parted company, I asked her to keep me posted on the trip. She laughed. "You mean the one I'm not sure I want to take? Why?" I told her, "It's the story. I want to see where this particular ride takes you. No matter what, you're on a journey!"

How do you react to an offer of an overwhelming gift? What would you do in my friend's position? Have you ever had an opportunity to do something like this? How do you react to someone else's good fortune? What's the journey you are on right now?

Forgivenesses #2

I began the year considering the role of forgiveness in my life.  That consideration continues.

As I move forward through this year, I am entering a phase of significant change in my life. I will leave behind a legacy of some sort. My fear is that it will be one of failure or one attached to negative feelings. One of those left behind has been a challenge to my sense of cooperation and camaraderie, as I apparently have been to them. Where does that leave me in the journey of forgiveness?

Unlike the author of the quote, I believe forgiveness is a significant piece of our journey and not necessarily its core. When we can forgive others and ourselves, when we can ask forgiveness and be content if it comes or does not, the rest of our experiences are simpler, more focused. It is difficult, if not impossible, to love when we harbor ill will against others or against ourselves. We often gnaw on that ill will, attempting to justify it or reconcile it to the rightness of our actions. For me, the central point is forgiving ~ reaching that point when I can open my hand and no longer cling to my desire to wound. Yet, I acknowledge that there are times when being forgiven by others is impossible. We have no power to force it.

In answer to my own question in the previous paragraph: where does that leave me? It leaves me with the struggle and desire to open my hand, to let loose the reins of discontent with another, to wish them well on their journey and mean it. That will lead to my own healing in the end.

Where are you in your journey of forgiveness? Is there someone against whom you harbor ill will? Why? Where in your body does that feeling live? Can you begin to open your hand? or your heart? or wherever you feel the tightness? If you can, and do, how does that feel?

Looking for My Tribe

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/4785143332446020/

In a recent journeying experience, we went looking for connections to and disconnections from our tribe. Along the way, I found several attitudes and past experiences that contributed to my disconnection. As the journey was coming to an end, I heard a direction: Find your tribe. As I looked around, continuing on the path out of the journey, my own voice echoed: Who is my tribe?

Returning to the room and the group, my mind responded: I have no tribe.

Now, in terms of my tribe of genetic origin, my rational mind argued, I belong solidly.....

Wait, cautioned the voice still arising from the Journey. Breathe. I paused and found a whisper quavering inside my chest with the lightness and quickness of hummingbird wings. I could not quite catch what it was saying, but I knew I would.

Later, when relating the episode to a friend over a glass of wine, she began nodding vigorously. Yes, she said. You have no tribe. She grasped at words to explain what she meant. You fit in to so many different places. Like with the music and musicians, yet you are not a musician nor a groupie. Like.... Then she seemed lost for words. She tumbled and sputtered, backtracking and apologizing. It didn't sound the way she meant it.

But the Light had gone on in my head. Yes! I responded. Precisely! I was grinning like the Cheshire Cat. It's not that I have no tribe ~ it's that I have every one. That's what had been fluttering against my ribcage. And again, a couple of days later, when I found myself relating the tale again to another friend, she agreed that not only was I connected to every tribe, she was as well. Perhaps I continue to discover the breadth of my tribe.

What tribe/s do you claim? What tribe/s claims you? How do you participate in the variety of tribal offerings around you? What are your characteristics? your rituals? your beliefs? How do you move within your tribe? Is being part of a tribe significant for you? Why or why not?

When I Grow Old

My life has been blessed by a series of events ~ or perhaps more truly, a splattering of events ~ that have led me to ponder life as a Crone.
Here is my story:

I have met myself as an old woman,
an impossibly old woman,
living inside
an impossibly old, hollowed out tree....
in another lifetime.
She is/I am
strong,
healing,
determined.
A shape-shifter.
A spirit walker.
A seer, in every sense of the word.
I feel her within me.
I feel me within her.
I am afraid.
I am fearless.
I know nothing.
I apprehend all of life.
I hear the voices of the stars.
I dance to the music of the spheres.

I feel that old woman within me.... ever since she first showed up, in a journey, in a dream, in a conversation, more than 3 years ago. She shows herself when I need to see her. Whether I want to see her, to hear her does not matter. She stares me down, daring me to ignore her ~ or try to ignore her. Her laugh is full and dry, a sandpaper drum.

How often  are we presented with the opportunity to confront our future? to face down our own fear of aging and of death? to befriend who and what we will become?

Possibilities abound. What qualities will grow? Wisdom? Silence? Vision? Voice? What will diminish? Need to be seen? Soft skin? Desire for admiration? Fear? A new adventure approaches, quietly, noisily, expectantly, surprisingly ~~ so many moments approaching and flowing around me.

What do you see in your future? How does age affect you? Do you embrace its approach? Do you reject it? Are you afraid of the changes that come with age? Have you had an opportunity to converse with and learn from your elders?

The Page of Wands

The Labyrinth Tarot ~ Jack/Page of Wands

As I sat in the sultry air of my house this evening, I decided to draw three tarot cards. I felt a call to change up the overwhelm of the still, hot air. Each card had its own message ~ all three running together:
First, the Emperor representing the ability to take formless matter and give it shape, organization and structure.
Second was the Page of Wands: Beginning of a new journey, transformation, learning new ideas spiritually, finding the creative side within, responding to a new challenge and finding a new side of oneself.
The final card was the World which indicates completing a journey or a trial and being on the threshhold of another journey. It's about seeing the big picture and recognizing that one is a part of it, on the correct path.
The cards appeared to be an auspicious flow!

I was fascinated by the center card, the Page of Wands. It felt like the hinge, keeping the other two sections joined together, yet movable.

Generally, the Page of Wands indicates that things begun in the past, perhaps quite a while ago, are blossoming now. More than that, there continue to be new things (adventures, approaches to life, ideas) filled with creativity and inspiration. All imbued with positive energy. Something new is brewing ~ an experiment? an exciting new project? Or perhaps simply awe at the beauty and wonder of life all around.

The draw of this particular card was that it echoed something that's been playing at the edges of my vision for some time now: It's a time of change; a time of newness; a time of adventure. I love when a divination tool, such as the Tarot, speaks directly to the immediacy of my personal moment in time. This one brings with it clarity and a smile!

Do you ever use cards as a means of divination? How do you feel when the meaning of the card matches what's happening in your life? What do you do to stay positive in the midst of changes? How do you express your own creativity?