Safe Comfort

Often attributed to George Eliot. The true author was Dinah Maria Murlock Craik.

The chaff and the grain grow together in my life. At times I feel like burning the whole lot down and starting over again. At times I cannot see clearly enough to separate the two. At times I mix them up and cling to the chaff while scattering the grain. Safe comfort is found with those standing beside me, holding me through my discernment process, providing a breeze to blow away what no longer serves.

My life has been remarkably blessed with the safe comfort of so very many friends. In general, it's been other women who have held me through thick and thin. Amazing numbers of women over time. In truth, not every woman I've met, or who's tried to stand with me, has fallen into that category of safe comfort. Some have betrayed my confidences. Others have moved just outside the circle because of their needs, their discomfort, their own reasons.

For whatever particular reason, I have found safe comfort more easily reached with women. It becomes, for me, all the more poignant in those instances when the safe comfort shows up in a man. I find it easier to describe what safe comfort is not than to list what it is.

It is not protection; I do not require protecting, even if I've been hurt. It is not a fix-it attitude; I do not require fixing, even if I seem broken. It is not discomfort with my tears, my frustrations, my cussing; I am human after all and these are deeply human expressions of deeply felt emotions. 

It is acceptance of the highs and pitfalls of life for all of us. It is allowing me to go through whatever I need to do to find my way forward. It is being available to listen without comment while I rant, to hold me when I wail, to challenge me to find my best self in the midst of any pain or joy.

What do you seek from a friend providing the safe comfort in the quote? With whom do you find that comfort? Do you find more of those providing that safe comfort fall into one camp or another? If so, how would you define the differences?

The Storm, part 2

The Storm exists as more than one moment in time, more than one Gate we pass through. It is a sensation that shifts all of nature within and around.

"When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about."

What about all those stormy moments in life? I don't mean the arguments with partners, lovers or friends. Or the occasional emotional set-back when something gets overlooked or goes askew. The Storm is about those earth-shattering, life-rocking moments.

There have been a few moments like that in my life. Moments that defined me ~ or perhaps more precisely, that honed me more sharply into the person I am today.

One of those defining moments happened when my first marriage shattered, and I knew we were careening toward divorce. I'd had a series of major life-changers: quit a job, moved across the country, started a new job, moved within the city. All of the supports in place in our former hometown were no longer available where we were. When we were left to rely entirely on each other, there wasn't enough glue sticking us together.

Almost hesitantly, I said we needed to go to marriage counseling soon or I'd be leaving. Although he agreed, the appointment was never made. Three months later, I moved out ~ my second move since we traversed the country. Even though change carried my life forward that year, I was graced with stumbling into friendships that continue to this day.

The Storm moments in our lives don't have to be overtly tearing us apart. They can have the intensity of an earthquake, deep and internal, or the overwhelm of a tsunami, quick and drenching. Any way The Storm arrives, it leaves us to rebuild ourselves into different people.

What Storms have touched your life? How have they affected you? How has your life changed since then?

Magic of Beginnings

Do you remember the first day of a new school year? Maybe your senior year in high school? Or the first day you met your best friend? Those days reach deep into our memories because they hold the magic of beginnings.

I recall not the first day of meeting my best friend in high school, but the first day of our friendship. We were freshmen, working in the library, shelving books. We were teasing each other ~ about what, I'm not sure exactly ~ just banter. As she shelved a book titled The Ugly American, she said to me, This is what you are. I retorted, You too. And she replied, Oh, no. I am not an American. I was born in Germany. Somehow, that precise moment began something deeper. The joking around stopped ~ at least temporarily ~ while we began a new conversation about the more intimate features of our individual lives.

Then there was the day I went to visit a particular college campus. Applying to that university was linked to that high school friend. She was planning to go there. I hadn't even considered it. Then I did. When I set foot on the quad and walked under the trees, across the grassy spaciousness, it felt like home. The irony was that I completed my undergraduate degree there; my friend never attended a single day.

Beginnings. As 2016 begins, I look back at those quixotic moments that led me to turn a corner or a page or .... whatever diverse object or subject set before me .... and my entire world shifted accordingly. Though I have no set resolutions, I have a practice of watching for changes bubbling the surface and creating patterns. If I pay close attention and trust the process, the magic will show itself.

What beginning moments do you most vividly recall? Can you describe them in detail? Where did each of those moments lead you? What magic occurred for you? What are you watching happen as 2016 begins?