Finding Freedom

Have you ever been so intimidated by your own fears, apprehensions and anxieties that you lost track of your goals, perhaps even your spirit or soul?

Many times in my life, I've opted for what might appear as the easy way out. I've let fear overtake my deeper desires and sense of self. It hasn't always been as clear or easy a choice as it may seem. I've struggled. Tossed and turned, whether asleep or awake, with the questions. Prayed over it. Rarely released it.

Then there have been those times when the decision to move forward, to move in the direction of the fear rather than away from it, was clearly the best choice. Wow! Tough options to feel my way through.

One of those decisions happened shortly after a cross-country move. I was married at the time of the move. My husband had many challenges in his life. He was depressed and an alcoholic-addict. These things weren't evident to my young adult self when we met, dated and married. They blossomed after we went through an emotionally traumatic year when his father was diagnosed with cancer, my father died suddenly of a heart attack, then his father died after a brief and brutal period with the cancer. I became stronger from the experiences. He, on the other hand, lost himself. So when we moved cross-country, away from our support systems, we intended to start afresh. That didn't work. The pain within him traveled cross-country with us. Before we had been there a year, I moved out and filed for divorce. It was not an easy decision. I knew he was in pain. I knew my strength could support him. I loved him dearly. I was afraid of the judgment others would pass on me for divorcing him. There was no single determining factor in my decision. I only knew, deep in my soul, that I could not carry him to wholeness. He had to do it on his own. Or not. Depending on me would not help him heal. My decision freed us both to move on to a new life.

Another decision stemmed from a co-worker suggesting that I go overseas to teach. He told me about his time teaching in Germany and said it was a great experience. At the time, I was single and he thought that would be a good move for me. Within a month of his suggestion, I was heading to an international schools hiring conference in New Orleans. By the end of the weekend, I had a contract to teach computer tech in Cairo, Egypt. I'd never taught computer tech before, but I convinced the interviewers that I could. I was going to live in Cairo! Doing that on my own, I was later to find, was the most wild and wonderful adventure I could ever have chosen. But what it meant in the short-term as I prepped to go was facing a lot of apprehensions and fears. What would I need to take? Where would I live? Would I be able to teach the full range of students? What support would the staff require? Where would I store the things I was leaving behind? How would I continue to pay my bills? The list went on and on. One by one, I faced them down and never looked back.

What decision points have you faced in your life? What part has fear or anxiety played in your decision? Have you discovered a place of freedom from your choice? Do you have any regrets? How do you deal with those?

Stepping into the Abyss

Quote by Edward Teller

On various occasions in our lives, we find ourselves at the edge of an abyss. Going forward forces us to step into the unknown. Going back is simply not a choice. There is no back.

We arrive at this edge from a variety of paths. Death, anger, divorce, loss, illness, or a wide swath of other possibilities, all of them carrying moments of pain and passages of darkness. Not simply the darkness of a room when the light is turned off or a moonless night or when we throw the covers over our heads. It's the darkness of the deepest jungle at night, the water a mile under the surface, an unlit cave in heart of the earth. A dark we can't comprehend until we are in it.

At this point, with wide blind eyes, we feel our way forward, hear the pebble skitter over the edge and wait to hear it touch ground. It never does. That's the darkness of the abyss. We know it when we hear it or feel it or sense it. Our intuition does not err. So what do we do? Is there a safe way forward? That depends on the definition of safe. Going forward is the only option. So we stand at the edge of the unknown and take one more step.

Where will this next step take you? How far have you come to get here? What lies behind you? What do you feel? hear? sense? Where are you headed?

Choosing Who to Be

Over the course of our lives, we live through multiple opportunities to choose who we want to be. We also have the option to remain stable ~ stagnant, some may say ~ and not alter our way of being in the world.

I've been fortunate to have gone through several of these times, these incredible opportunities. Some of them have been painful. Some have been exciting. Others have arrived because it was time. All of them have stretched me.

When I went away to college, I chose to attend a university several hours away from home. More than that, I'd only looked into that particular university because my best friend wanted to go there.... and never did. The irony of that choice has never left me. That change ~ from high school student, living in my parents house, roaming around a major city where I grew up to a college student in a small college town ~ was bittersweet. I was growing up, as I knew I needed to, and leaving others behind.

Getting married presented me with yet another opportunity for changing who I was in the world. I followed that age-old path only to find, a few short years later, that it was not the path for me. That change was painful ~ yet, like the girl choosing to be a witch ~ I knew things. I learned much about myself and about life. I had the remarkable opening to recreate myself ~ and so I did. Stronger, more secure, more confident. Yet still trusting and innocent. My choice could have been different ~ I could have remained hurt, living in fear of encountering pain again, living small and knowing less.

Life allows the availability, the presence to make these choices on an irregular basis. Whether or not we choose, who we are reveals itself to everyone we encounter.... even if we believe otherwise. Personally, I like being a witch.....!

What has life put in your path? How did you choose? Why? Are you aware of any changes coming in the near future? Do you use any particular process to make your choice? Are you happy with being "a witch"?

The Storm, part 2

The Storm exists as more than one moment in time, more than one Gate we pass through. It is a sensation that shifts all of nature within and around.

"When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about."

What about all those stormy moments in life? I don't mean the arguments with partners, lovers or friends. Or the occasional emotional set-back when something gets overlooked or goes askew. The Storm is about those earth-shattering, life-rocking moments.

There have been a few moments like that in my life. Moments that defined me ~ or perhaps more precisely, that honed me more sharply into the person I am today.

One of those defining moments happened when my first marriage shattered, and I knew we were careening toward divorce. I'd had a series of major life-changers: quit a job, moved across the country, started a new job, moved within the city. All of the supports in place in our former hometown were no longer available where we were. When we were left to rely entirely on each other, there wasn't enough glue sticking us together.

Almost hesitantly, I said we needed to go to marriage counseling soon or I'd be leaving. Although he agreed, the appointment was never made. Three months later, I moved out ~ my second move since we traversed the country. Even though change carried my life forward that year, I was graced with stumbling into friendships that continue to this day.

The Storm moments in our lives don't have to be overtly tearing us apart. They can have the intensity of an earthquake, deep and internal, or the overwhelm of a tsunami, quick and drenching. Any way The Storm arrives, it leaves us to rebuild ourselves into different people.

What Storms have touched your life? How have they affected you? How has your life changed since then?