Glad I Didn't Get My Wish

It seems everyone I know has a story about at least one time, and generally multiple times, when he or she felt like a misfit. Out of place moments or awkward situations rank as some of the most difficult times for youth. Teens and early twenties are times when most of us want to fit in, to belong, to feel we are a part of something larger than us. We equate belonging with being loved.

I particularly like this quote for the post script. Getting my wish of fitting in didn't always work out the way I wanted it to work.

Looking back, I find that most of my life was spent "on the outside, looking in." I recognize now that I didn't "fit in" because I was strong in my unique spirit. I wouldn't have said that at the time. It's taken years to recognize its truth. To "fit in" meant doing or saying or wearing things that didn't come naturally to me. I wanted to "fit in" but didn't want to make the required changes. I wanted more to be accepted than to belong.

Now I see the strength that kept me apart as a gift. I had a strong sense of self, though sometimes I found myself wanting the company of others. When my peers went out for pizza or my co-workers met for an after work cocktail, I longed for an invitation to join them. Yet I learned to be content with my solitude. I found my own company enjoyable. Others did invite me along over time. Not fitting in led me to inner peace, a level of comfortability with myself and choice.

Did you want to 'fit in' when you were younger? Did you actually fit in? How did you feel? What did you do to get through it? How do you feel about 'fitting in' now?

Be Teachable

Colette Baron Reid ~ The Enchanted Map

From the guide book:

Wisdom comes from participating in life, not just reading about it. This card suggests that you might not have enough knowledge about what you seek, the direction to take, your circumstances, or the nature of your inquiry. Important information is coming. Note is the time to go to school, ask a person who might know more than you do, or find a teacher or a course of study so that you can more clearly understand what the next right action must be. Sometimes life unexpectedly sends you to an unfamiliar school, and you must learn by experience. Now is a time to be teachable, open to changing your preconceived notions. Be a student, and be willing to say the most powerful mantra of all: "I don't know ~ yet."

When I first saw this card, I thought, "Of course. So fitting for a teacher." Then I read what was written in the guide book. Ahhhh. Quite a different story. This is about being humble and accepting the education as it is presented. More of a wake up call than a pat on the back.

To reinforce this particular lesson after drawing this card, I read a friend's post on Facebook about an experience she is having and we shared a private exchange about the lessons she is learning. My head leans toward saying this kind of experience couldn't happen to me ~ it nudges me in that direction. My heart and my soul know a different story. I ache for the pain my friend is experiencing. I hold her in my prayers. I bow in thanks to be a support and to honor the teacher she is being for me.

I have preconceived notions of my strengths ~ and they are being tested. My pride is currently being challenged to the point that I am being redefined by it. I have a definition of who I am that is being redesigned and charred to the point that I am not sure I will recognize it when it's done. I am learning about what is most important, and what is not. I am a student once again.

Are you in a space of being teachable? What or who in your life has a lesson for you? Are any of your preconceived notions being challenged? How will you face that challenge?

Innovate

Last week, I attended a wonderful work-related conference. In the final presentation, one of the PowerPoint slides read "Innovate." Although this was the very last presentation, many of the participants were gone, that word struck a chord within me. Innovate.

Innovation only happens in the presence of creativity. Creativity arises from that gently open space inside that feels like magic. The open wonder of play.

Play isn't the only place where we find creativity, but it certainly is the most free, and the most freeing. If you watch children at play, on a school playground, in a park, at a party, you see them making up rules as they go along. When they are young, we applaud this creativity. As children reach 8 or 9, or begin to participate in team sports, we insist they follow specific sets of regulations. This is a good thing in terms of becoming law-abiding, rule-following members of society.

In terms of creativity, the strictest rule-abiders find themselves stymied. This is what the social psychologist Erich Fromm's statement addresses. Abiding by rules implies that particular outcomes are certain: win or lose, right or wrong, success or failure. Yet to innovate, to be fully in the flow of those creative juices, requires ~ not suggests, but demands ~ that I risk and challenge the absolute, the certain, the clearly defined.

Throughout my life, I've rarely seen myself as a risk-taker. And yet.... I've taken great risks that have led to some of the most amazing results: moving half-way across the country with only what could fit in my van and no job; applying for law school; applying for, and getting, a job in Cairo, Egypt. None of these, or others I could list, were certain successes. Yet all of them led to life-changing, wonderful, incredible creative moments in my worldview.

To innovate in my life right now requires me to let go of what appears as certain, to risk failure (or what others might describe as failure), to allow creativity to crack through the shell with which I surround myself. I embrace the challenge!

How do you allow creativity into your life? What does innovation mean to you? What keeps you from being more creative, more innovative? What courageous first step will you take to change that?

Loving Your Soul

Teabag Tarot....what an incredible, crazy, wonderful statement to awaken to!

Love. Your. Soul.

The words themselves, run together into a sentence as they are, appear simple to the point of being a no-brainer. Yet the number of people I see who clearly do not love their souls astounds me.

Clearly I don't always love my soul. I don't think about it, consider how the consequences of my actions reflect the care I have, or do not have, for my soul. When I allow stress to take over my life to the point where I eat everything in sight or sit around the house in a stupor....then I'm not showing care for my soul.

I don't show care for my soul when I disrespect myself. That can be by talking in a way that others may approve of, but that is not healthy for me ~ like gossiping or making fun of others. Or it can be the way I carry myself, from wearing clothing to "fit in" to using language I may or may not otherwise use or smoking. It isn't about whether or not I do any of these things, the actions themselves are neutral. It's about my intention when I do them.

Loving my soul ~ loving your soul ~ takes practice and presence. It takes paying attention to my thoughts and intentions. Sometimes it also means taking time to be alone so that I can check in with my soul, recognize how it responds when I act or speak or move or dress certain ways. I want to love my soul. That's where the entire practice begins.

How do you show love for your soul? What practices do you have to stay in touch with your soul? Do you recognize its rhythm? What will you do to keep in touch with that part of you?

Full Moon in Taurus

I was all set to write about something else in today's blog when an astrologer friend said, "Don't take a position!"

"Why not? What are you talking about?" I asked.

She chuckled and told me that this Full Moon would bring out the 'positions' in all of us ~ and may cause some problems in the manner in which they pop up. "It's about finding your deeper values and being flexible in the way in which you show them."

Great. I'm guessing that means I need to watch what I say and how I say it, which is often on my mind. Communication, clear communication, is one of my greater values. It'd be good if that showed up right now.

I decided to look for more information. This is what I found at mysticmamma.com:
"This Full Moon is a good time to determine just what you value and want to stand for, create in your life and carry forth into the next cycle of evolution." But this was my favorite part in its echo of what my friend had said: "If you look around you can see the bloody knuckles, scraped knees and noticeable limps of those around you who may not have taken Saturn's 'suggestions' to put responsibility, discipline and mature patience into play... Now, seeing as Scorpio's realm is power, sexuality, death and transformation as well as the shamanic and shadow worlds, we are experiencing just how fundamental the surrender (a most feminine action)_ to the Divine is for our survival...
Attachment (Taurus) and letting go, i.e. death (Scorpio) are big themes highlighted at this Moon. Look deeply and closely at anything diminishing your self-worth and address the issues underlying your lack of intimacy, inability to show up in all your radiance, or buried beliefs in scarcity."

Okay. So how'd mysticmamma ~ and my friend for that matter ~ get inside my head and heart to expose my biggest issues..... or, wait, are these issues for more people than me? Is that what she's suggesting? Yeah. That's about the sum of it.

Can you feel the pull of the Full Moon? How do you feel? What's being uncovered about your values? What attachment do you need to release?

The Call of Grief

Grief may be the most misunderstood of feelings. It strikes like a snake hidden in the grass. As the world begins to appear in color again, grief raises its all-suffering head. It screams, alone and out of control. It is a solitary and singular feeling.

The past two weeks, death traversed my path several times. A co-worker shared about two deaths that happened within a week of each other and another that is imminent. A friend had to put her beloved dog to sleep. Yet another school shooting tore apart a small community. After a multi-year battle, the younger brother of a friend chose to let his kidney disease take his life. I've watched for years the physical deterioration of a friend with AIDS.

I don't know how to comfort someone cocooned in grief. All I can do is reach out, touch him or her to signal "I am here for you" and allow the space or distance or closeness needed. When my own grief arises, I hope someone is around to do the same for me.

Grief is more than a feeling, stronger than any other emotion. There is an aspect of it that is intensely physical, aching and overwhelming. Its timing and rhythm are random, chaotic and entirely its own.

Despite all this, grief also draws people together. Communities care for those in grief with food, comfort and even physical assistance ~ such as cleaning house or mowing the lawn. I understand another's grief because I have tasted my own. Loss is an experience we all share. We understand its cyclical nature as well.

Have you had a recent encounter with grief? Your own? or someone else's? What effect did it have on you? What did you do about or with it? How do you care for yourself when you feel grief? Is it different if it's your own? or another's?

All Hallows Day

All Saints' Day in Poland

My personal and spiritual continually unfolding myth includes both the Pagan celebrations, such as Samhain or Hallowe'en, and the Christian celebrations, like All Hallows or All Saints' Day. Both encourage the honoring of the ancestors, of those who have already passed through the veil from this world to the next.

The image above is of a graveyard in Poland where there is an honoring of those who have died. Flowers and candles abound as far as the eye can see. It reminds me of a variety of festive days: weddings, family birthdays, funerals, graduations. Any of the days we choose to celebrate are decorated with floral arrangements and honored with lit candles.

I knew few of my ancestors. My maternal grands died when my mother was a teenager. My paternal grandfather died when I was perhaps five. I recall very little about him, except that my brother and I would play on his sick bed and he enjoyed our company. My maternal grandmother died when I was seventeen. My high school graduation was her last family event. I have stories of all of them. Images and words surface in the dreamtime, arising from that stored genetic pool of memory. This is a day when I can sit within that dreamtime, connect with them, talk through my day, the course of my life, gather tidbits of wisdom from them. At the close of day, I blow out the candles with a heart filled with gratitude, joy and grief. What an amazing time.

How do you honor your ancestors? What do you feel when you think of them? What would you like to say to them? to ask of them? to share with them? What do you want from them? Are you pleased with their responses?