Ask Better Questions

Questions elicit answers in their likeness. Answers mirror the questions they…meet. So while a simple question can be precisely what's needed to drive to the heart of the matter, it's hard to meet a simplistic question with anything but a simplistic answer. It's hard to transcend a combative question. But it's hard to resist a generous question. We all have it in us to formulate questions that invite honesty, dignity, and revelation. There is something redemptive and life-giving about asking better questions.

                                        - Krista Tippett

Schools on all levels often teach the Who-What-When-Where-Why-How method of questioning. Using those questions once was the sign of a good investigator as well as a good reporter. It was about getting to the crux of the matter, exploring the details, and cross-checking the facts. Those questions, couched in a variety of other wordings, informed our opinions as they taught us about the many facets and faces of the world around us.

Some people worded their questions to elicit specific responses ~ either in word or in denial. Many asked questions from a mindset that expects particular responses. We learned to listen with ears attuned to words we wanted to hear. It's no longer about finding the facts or telling the most complete version of the story. It's about proving ourselves right. Getting the story out there first took precedence ~ and if some facts were inaccurate, well, we could update it later. Nevermind that most people would never see or hear the update.

To get back to that place of curiosity and wonder, we have to relearn how to do less guiding with our questions. Ask more open-ended, generous and invitational queries. Ask better questions ~ not only in their complexity, but also in their authenticity and genuineness. Set an intention to invite and welcome others, whether they are family, friends, neighbors or total strangers. As we open ourselves to asking better questions, we learn more about those around us. We develop a more sincere way to express ourselves in the world as well.

What questions would you want someone to ask you? How do you respond to quick or simplistic questions? What questions form themselves in your mind when you meet a new person? What keeps you from asking them? How do you pursue conversations with others? Why is it important to you to ask ~ and be asked ~ open and authentic questions?

Ancestors' Dreams

We are our ancestors' wildest dreams.

As this gentle ancestor stares into that place called 'middle distance,' I wonder what she's seeing..... who she's listening for....

In my quiet lucid dream state, I rest on a bench beside her. She turns her head slightly, slides her eyes in my directions. The corners of her mouth barely turn up. Then she returns to her vague focus stare.

"What do you see, Grandmother?" I whisper.

"You, my child."

I blink, turn my head to see what she sees. A shadow-child slips across my field of vision. I blink again... and it's gone.

"How can you see me there when I am here beside you?"

"It is you ~ and not you, my darling. It is a wild dream of one who is to come. One who will heal the lineage from which she came. One who will dare to bring about the deepest and most necessary soul changes."

I was afraid to speak lest I jar her from her vision .... which is what I realized she was in. There was still more to come. I could see it in her eyes, clear and keen; in her posture, body alert and forward; in the way she held her head, tipped ever-so-slightly to one side as if listening for something.

A barking laugh emerged from her. After a pause, another. Then she lifted her head and a full, deep, extended belly laugh bubbled out of her. I smiled as I sat beside her, infected with the joy she was expressing.

"There are many of you, child. Many who will carry forth the life of our people as they walk on this earth. It brings me great joy to see their wild dancing selves! They laugh, play, love, wander. All the phases of life and earth bloom within them. Nothing grows without them."

I wanted to ask how she knew this. I wanted to tell her I understood. I wanted to run and hide. So much was in her vision of the world. How could I live up to her expectations?

As though she read my thoughts, she said, "It is not only you, child. It is all my children and my children's children and my children's children's children on and on and on. That's what brings me joy. Because it also brings me hope."

I sat beside her for awhile longer. Quiet, reflective. One moment I was aware of her at my elbow, the next my head was jerking up as though from dozing. The old woman was gone. My memory of her was clear yet ever so slowly fading. I found myself staring into that same middle distance she did ~ and wondering when I would be old enough and wise enough to see the way she saw.

What would your ancestor look like? How would you be with them? What does your dreaming self hear them say? How do you express being your ancestors' wildest dream? How would you like to dream your children's and children's children's worlds?

Listening and The Lovers

Shapeshifter Tarot

The Lovers
The Lovers is a card about perfect communication, about finding something your soul requires. When this card appears, you are being told to trust your instincts, to choose this career, challenge, person or thing you're so strongly drawn to, no matter how scary, how difficult, irrational or troublesome - without it, you will never be wholly you. It's sudden and unexpected, and it means a complete change in plans; but this is LOVE. True love. Go for it!


Before drawing this card, I focused for several heartbeats on my coming week. My question, the center of my focus, was: What strength will I need and have available to draw on in the coming week?

The very first part of the statement about The Lovers card attracted me: perfect communication. That's often easier said than done when working with others who are clearly not reading my mind, nor I theirs!

Trusting my instincts is something I am consciously developing. Instincts don't always follow our thoughts, our conscious minds. We call them 'gut' instincts for a reason: we feel their pull, their truth, deep within ourselves ~ at a place that requires us to be still and listen. Our minds are constantly chattering at us. Even though our instincts may be communicating, it is our minds that we are used to hearing.

What draws me most, at the moment? Obviously, writing. I've been writing in my blog daily (with one exception) since the beginning of April. I am encouraged by the numbers of people reading what I write. I find that I write to please me as much as to please others. The feedback I receive is wonderful and reassuring, yet I am prompted to put words to paper from a deep, internal space.

I also find myself reaching for my camera more. Not at work. When on walks, driving in the car, looking at my surroundings. I am amazed by the wonder and beauty around me ~ the blessing of it all. My gratitude challenges me to capture it in some way through my photography.

These two passions spur me onward. Drawing The Lovers card reinforces me ~ reminds me that I am listening to that still, small voice within. That I am responding to the instinct to create.

What do you see in The Lovers card? What draws your instinctual self? How do you respond? What reinforcement do you need to follow your instincts? What defines perfect communication for you? How will you pursue it?

Listening Power, part 2

Besides taking the time and focus to listen to others, we need to learn to take time to pay attention to that quiet voice within.

I don't mean the voice that scolds you or diminishes you. That one usually resides in your mind, often sounding like someone from your past. The voice that gives you directions, encourages you, reassures you is the one that should be heard.

This quote is from Steve Jobs, one of the most creative voices and forces in the technology arena to date. His life was an amazing combination of influence and intuition.

Listening to your inner voice, to my inner voice, is not always a simple task. Quieting the mind enough to pay attention, taking the time to breathe and relax, trusting what is heard ~~ all of these are part of the process of listening. Why do we find it easier to listen to others? What is it about the voice inside our minds that we hear it more clearly than the intuitive voice that comes from our gut or our heart?

If we are lucky enough, dedicated enough, accountable enough, we open ourselves to the inner voice and act on the directions and advice it provides. That kind of listening requires us to take time to listen.

My own listening fluctuates from intense to la-di-la not paying attention. I identify with things pulling me inward and outward. I know that when I listen, when I put down the media, that quiet intuitive voice directs me to a place of greater connection ~ and onward to greater joy as well.

How do you listen to your inner voice? Is it important to you that you do? How do the two types of listening (to others and to self) work in your life? What happens when you don't listen?

Listening Power, part 1

When we consider the act of listening, we think it primarily involves sound and our eardrums. However, true listening engages our minds, our focus and our hearts.

In this day and age of everyone's absorption with social media and smart phones, we sometimes miss the nuances that occur in conversations. It's more than tone of voice, although that is part of it. There's body language and facial expression, the rhythm of speech and level of vocabulary. All of these things require our attention if we are to really listen to the speaker.

As an example, I have a history of misunderstanding and conflict with someone. One day, as I was walking out of one room and heading on to my next appointment, this person said, "I've sent you an email about X." I glanced at the person, responded with "Okay" and continued on. However, it was what I saw when I glanced over that provided insight into this particular communication. When the person spoke, it was with head slightly down and turned away, eyes averted, though the body was still and erect. I was the one in motion. That body language shouted that this was a difficult communication for this person to deliver. I understood far more about X from that than I did from the sent/received email. It's changed not only my view of this person but also the direction of my continued communication.

Although email, texts, Facebook posts, IMs, etc. make communicating quicker, they also provide less information. The wholeness of the message is sometimes missed. I worked for a boss who only skimmed my emails (since I tend to be detailed, thus wordy), occasionally asking questions that were already answered in my missive. I learned to send briefer communiques and release my tendency toward thoroughness.

How has social media, emails, texts, etc. affected your listening? How do you handle the frustration of communication misunderstandings? What do you feel when you read brief comments to complex questions or statements? What does listening mean to you?

Listening to the News

Over the past few days, the news has carried very gruesome images and graphic stories about killing of a hostage and the retaliatory state hanging of prisoners.

It's also carried the verbal jousting of a Republican majority Congress with a Democratic President.

Not to mention winter storm Linus as well as the latest on measles outbreaks due to 'vaccine resisters.'

We can say that one of these stories carries more of an impact than the others, but the truth is that they all weigh us down. They all eat away at our sense of security. They challenge our sense of hope, wonder and awe.

Tolkien's words reassure us that although darkness and peril are about in the world, there is also much beauty and wonder. Yes, he wrote fantasies. He also fought in World War I ~ the 'war to end all wars' ~ and understood the tragedy of losing most of his friends by 1918. What he held onto was the magic of hope.

In these days, when we spend so much energy getting the most descriptive stories from the news and social media, we have to find ways to reach a balance, equilibrium. The stories of resilience, hope and joy beyond despair and fear can rekindle that same hope and willingness.

How do the news stories affect you? What do you do to counter that effect? Where do you find hope? How do you help yours to continue?